Crash, Boom, Bang, Weekend!

As you are probably aware, no blogs on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Crash, my computer went down on Saturday after noon. Ok, so I didn’t have any good news to write anyway, but still, I was looking forward to my blogging! I did absolutely nothing on Friday. The weather was dreadful, even the old boy said ‘You probably won’t want to go jogging today’ Boy was he so right, But I didn’t do any dancing in the kitchen that day either, but I decided not to beat myself up about things like that, I have a nagging sister to do that for me.

On Saturday I went for my run after a nagging from the old boy (I wonder if he has been taking lessons off nagging sister?). The old boy had to do the timing for me, I had forgotten to charge up my mobile! I was just hoping that he does it like I do, start the clock as soon as I start running from the lamppost outside my house and then stop it the second my foot passes it on the return!

Now remembering that my time on Thursday as 15:09 I had a feeling that that will remain my personal best (after all it is the day after the Friday night drinkies) I still pushed my self had. I didn’t want to get a sixteen something.

Checking that the old boy had the stopwatch ready (I would have taken it myself but the old boy was on call, so I couldn’t take his phone) I jogged off. It was a hard slog, I’m sure I can still feel the beer sloshing around mixing up with the chicken bits, (yuck, what a revolting thought, I must try and choose a healthier late night beer munchies) I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere near my time I did on Thursday, but I still nagged myself, and had nagging sisters voice nagging, and the thought of the old boy on the stopwatch, watching it creeping up, counting the seconds.

Needless to say, I didn’t do too well, in fact the old boy said as he opened the door ‘you lazy old mare, what took you so long’ Well it wasn’t that long, it was infact 15:55, nearly 16 mins, I am so glad I pushed myself a little extra at the end!

Sunday was too bad a day, the sun was shining, it was warm out, and I felt good,……not! What with the hours missing sleep due to the clocks going forward the thought of my computer going into melt down, giving me a “Cod Purple Configuration Error” what on earth does all that mean!! I still did better than yesterday though, which I was fairly pleased with, 15:44 seconds to be precise. I think Thursdays time must have been a fluke, or I might have had the wind blowing me along on the way there and on the way back!

Monday now, and of course nagging sister and new recruit. But, today new recruit has cried off, she has a stomach ache! I think she had too much of a grilling from nagging sister, or she may have had to much grilling! Grilled sausage, grilled bacon, grilled tomatoes, hmmmm I’m getting hungry writing this stuff!

So where was I, oh yes, nagging sister is explaining to me that new recruit is not coming so today she suggests that we go as far as turn around lamppost and back home again. She wants to see herself how fast her own time is doing this jog! I can just imagine it being in the single numbers, ‘Very encouraging’ I think to myself, ‘I just want to know for myself’ says nagging sister, I think its to ‘encourage me to go faster, and maybe knock her block off……..I mean try and emulate her!

We start off the same time, same pace and chatting away to each other, exactly like it says in all the leaflets and books and what not about how you must jog but be able to carry on a conversation. If by conversation they mean grunts, moans and gurgles then that is what I have been doing! Nagging sister ask how far I normally jog to and I say to her in a very breathless way ‘to five posts and slightly beyond’ but I know I did quite get the ‘slightly beyond bit out’. That is exactly what I did today, to five posts and beyond slightly behind nagging sister, but only by a second, until I had to start walking. ‘come on’ she calls out too me, and she sounds as if she has jus got out of bed! ‘keep jogging’ she says naggingly. ‘go on, you go on with out me’ and that is what she did. She left me, I saw her sprinting up the rest of the path, reach the ally bit and not even look as if she is slowing down. I on the other hand walked to the next lamppost and carried on jogging until the ally bit. I took a deep breath and I could see that nagging sister was at the end of the ally bit, now I’m now good with distance but its maybe two or three hundred meters, I’m sure those who know me will tell me that I cam completely wrong, but nagging sister was one end and I was the other. She got to turn around lamppost and was heading back home while I was still stuck in the middle of the ally, grinding my teeth that I will have to pass her! I get to turn around lamppost and start heading home again, hoping that nagging sister is still in the ally, but she is no where to be seen, ‘she is more probably at five posts now’ I said to my self, it is not a good encouragement to see your ‘personal trainer’ head off in the distance while your flailing about trying to jump the soggy, spreading dog poo!

As I immerged out of the ally, I saw sister just turn the corner at five posts. There is no way in heaven or hell that I was catching up to her. ‘just enjoy another walk’ I convince myself. ‘I can always blame nagging sister for making me feel inadequate when I get home’

I didn’t think about the time, I tried to do my best and get to torture point as quick as my little fat legs could get me there. I crossed over the road, took a deep breath and ran as fast as I could, as I passed the houses I could see nagging sister, “lounging” on my wall outside my house. She couldn’t have made it more obvious that she was the ‘winner’ it she tried. I urged myself to go faster, but my legs were not listening, and I got to my gate a sweaty, breathless, heap of a human being that you can imagine.

Eventually we compare times, mine was 7:42 at turn around lamppost and 15:34 to the end. Not bad, not good, but not bad, still better than yesterdays. And of course loads of room for improvement.

Oh I suppose I better mention nagging sisters time, 6:51 at turn around lamppost and 12:56 on the home stretch! Grrrrrr, gnarl, grinding teeth.!!

So in honour of nagging sisters effort just a little anecdote for you reading pleasure.

As I explained up above, my computer has virtually died on me, so I tell nagging sister that I may come around to here house on Thursday to write up the blogs. But she said to me, and I quote ‘why don’t you write them out and email me today’s one, and I can add it on for you!’ hmm, she may be taller, younger, fitter and have no grey hair under her blonde hair, but neither is there any ‘grey matter’ I obviously got her share!

Bang! There goes nagging sisters street cred!

Struggle, What struggle?!

This old girl is not so old!! This old girl can give it what’s what, when its needed! Needless to say I did really well today. But I totally surprised myself. I thought I did worse that yesterday, I really don’t get it. When I think I have done good, it turns out that I was like an eighty year old with a zimmer frame, and when I think I did, well, crap, then I have to look at the stopwatch several times, wiping sweat from my brow to keep checking that its right. I was like lightening today!

I still haven’t got the little fella so I can go out and do the mile jog. To be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was hoping to have the little fella today, apart from the fact that I’ve missed his cheeky little face, but then I wouldn’t have to go out there and bust a gut to just grab a few seconds back from yesterdays time. I didn’t even have to get up for the school run today, I could have stayed in bed until two thirty in the afternoon and then rushed around and do the housework before anyone came home.

But the voice is back in my head, my goal to jog the whole three miles of the ‘Race for Life’ is always on my mind, and the thought of my mum whose inspiration has got me off my backside to do something is a strong as ever, finally kicked my out of my bed at eight thirty this morning.

So after reading the paper, having my yoghurt and my cup of tea, I think about what it is that I have to do. Sister calls me to interrupt my thoughts, ‘Blimey she must have sixth sense’ I was thinking ‘Here comes the nagging’ but no nagging from sister. ‘Maybe I should just do some vigorous dancing in the kitchen then’ I was thinking after I put the phone down. But the voice in my head wasn’t going to let me do that. Then I remembered the time yesterday, I felt determined that I got to beat that, so I started my warm ups. It almost seemed a half hearted warm up I really didn’t want to do it, I was so disappointed yesterday, maybe that is what is in the back of my mind. But not doing it will not help me to beat that. One last stretch, check I have my key tied to my joggers and my mobile phone at the ready I head for the door.

There were men cutting the grass outside and it smelled so nice. ‘Yep,’ I thought to myself ‘This could be a good time’ well anything to try and get me motivated this morning, and I started my stopwatch and off I went. I got to as far as the top of the road and I was seriously thinking I needed to stop and catch my breath. Maybe I hadn’t warmed up enough, it was kind of a mediocre effort this morning. But I carried on, ’If I can get to the five posts then there is every chance of at least matching yesterdays time’ I thought to myself.

It really is an effort today, almost to the point where I would get to five posts and turn and go home. But that is defeatist thinking. Just remember why you are doing this, in whose memory its for, and whose beautiful face is going to be on our tee shirts. Onward to turnaround lamppost, knowing that from next week that is going to be a passing lamppost!

Homeward bound at last, saying good morning to the lady walker, no dog owners this morning and always hurdling over the dogs doing (but now they have been flattened by the rain and spreading over the path!). Through the ally onto the next lamppost and then walk. But I walk two lampposts. I am really annoyed with myself. ’what is stopping you from jogging’ I ask myself, ’is it the breathlessness, aching limbs’ I couldn’t actually pinpoint anything that was stopping from jogging so after the nagging I gave myself, and trying to imagine nagging sister with me, I jogged on.

Now I am a torture point. The part of the mile when nagging sister has decided that this is a good time to sprint to my house. I cross over the road, I look ahead of me, take a deep breath and then start running. I can almost hear myself willing me to go faster, go faster, go faster. I even feel myself slowing down and speeding up again.

‘Yes’ I shout very loudly, in my head as I reach my gate, because by now there was not a bit of breath left in me, I push the button to stop the clock. And slowly make my way to the door, I look at the time, 15,17:27 ’ Well that’s not bad, better than yesterday’ I open the door and look at again at my watch, 15:19:30, it was still going. Then I looked more carefully at the clock and I realised my time was actually 15:09:58. After looking and looking again realised I had read the wrong time! I was so pleased with myself, and I quickly texted the old boy and nagging sister of my quickest run ever to brag!

A Huge Sigh Day!

It wasn’t a good start to the day when nagging sister called me from her sick bed. ‘I won’t be able to go on our bike ride today’ She said through her blocked nose, making her sound like she is underwater. ‘If it was just a blocked nose I would still come’ she said bravely, ‘But all my limbs ache and I just don’t have the energy’

I was thinking to myself that maybe nagging sister had pushed new recruit too hard and new recruit had slipped her a ‘Mickey Finn’ or something, but I’m sure new recruit said she went straight home and didn’t move until this morning, something about her legs not working properly.

Its down to me again, and hopefully nagging sisters subliminal gentle persuasions to ‘Move my backside’ would kick in. So I dutifully waved the young girl off to her school, I really should have taken the bikes, but I had told myself I would push my self extra hard instead. And I came home and started my warm ups. I was booging on down to some great tunes, and I was thinking to myself maybe I will stay here and just do this, but, No, knowing that nagging sister had told me that I need to beat my time of yesterday, in preparation for going further a field next week, I set up my mobile to the stopwatch function and went outside.

It is a lovely morning, not cold at all, I feel positive, again, that I can do better this time. But with no nagging sister here, and no new recruit to impress, it was having an effect on me. Thinking about poor nagging sister feeling horrible and me out here in the glorious sunshine, maybe I should have nagged her to get up and get out. Sweat that darn cold out of her instead. That is supposed to be good for you, right?

I start my jog at a fairly reasonable pace, maybe a bit faster than nagging sister goes when she is with me, but I feel I can keep this pace up until the end. I jogged my little black and white strippey socks of, I reached five posts without stopping and even shot passed to the next lampposts nagging myself to go further, Oh, poor nagging sister, and poor new recruit with her sore legs, but push on I must. I can’t let sentiment get to me, I think to myself. I am doing well, and I reach the first lamppost where I need to start walking, ‘Well that’s not too bad , old girl’ I congratulate myself, and then I stupidly check my stopwatch, ‘What, how can that be, I jogged nearly all the way how can the time show that!’ The time was 6 minuets and something, I was too annoyed with myeself to look at the other numbers. and I still had to get to turn around lamppost. I start to think if actually I had been walking and not noticed, but my body was saying to me that no way did I do any walking until now. I feel a bit disappointed with myself but I pick up my pace from the next lamppost. I think I walked just a couple more times after that before I started on the jog back. My split time at turn around lamppost was a very disappointing 7:44:82 so I really tell myself off and punish myself by jogging all the way through the ally and on passed two more lampposts before I took my next walk.

If you have gathered my now my time wasn’t as good as yesterdays, it in fact the time was 15:49:95! and I really thought I had pushed myself hard today, maybe it was the thought of nagging sister lying in her house, in the warm, no exercising, probably eating grapes and left over Easter eggs, and more than likely watching day time rubbish on the telly, laughing at me through her ‘Man Cold’ bunged up nose. Yeah, that’s it, I shall blame nagging sister, its her fault that my time wasn’t good today. Next time though, you watch.!.

The sun is Shining, its a Good Day

Ok, now that we have all had a laugh at the old girl in her tracksuit, perhaps you may want to continue reading!

As I promised myself, I weighed and measured and noted down everything! I was quite disappointed with the results of these things, but nagging sister has nagged again and told me to write them down here, for all to see, especially me, so that I know that what I am doing is in fact ‘doing me some good’ So for those who don’t want to be bored, and I feel and hope that is the case, then skip this paragraph and go to the next. I shall write all numbers in letters, that way when you look at them they just look like writing. Top of each arm is fourteen inches, chest and other bits are thirty five and forty inches respectively and the waist is thirty three, hips forty two and legs at the top part is a very depressing twenty seven. But the thing which I am disappointed in is my weight with has gone up again to twelve stone and eleven and quarter pounds!

OK so that’s that done and now for the bestest bit ever! My time today is 15:30:82 and nagging sisters time is 15:55:53. Oh, have I written it down correctly, Is it in the wrong order? NO I beat nagging sister on that stretch of path!

We started off at the same time, a nice gentle pace that I can’t seem to start off with unless nagging sister is with me, and we round the corner, still jogging, no stopping until we reach the beginning of the path. A nice gentle jog, I really feel as if I can jog the whole way today, well two days rest I should have two days energy, right?! We see the usual people, the friendly dog walkers, the golfers and I feel very comfortable indeed. ‘If you need to stop any time just say’ I shout to the back of me, where nagging sister is. ‘You go on old girl’ she calls back to me ‘You are keeping an eye on your time’ she says helpfully. So off I go, quick glance at the stopwatch (still need to get a proper one) and here comes my first lamppost where I want to walk from. I feel quite pleased with myself, ‘its not an embarrassing length of jogging’ I think to myself ‘Go on, don’t stop keep on running’ nagging sister calls out to me, by now she is at least 50 meters behind me. And I did indeed jog on. I push myself through the ally bit, and try to jog to the turn around lamppost. I didn’t check my split time, I don’t want to accidentally push any buttons today, not with nagging sister behind me, and head off on the homeward journey.


It felt good to pass sister, who was not even at turnaround lamppost when I reached the ally bit. ‘Got to keep on going’ I think to my self, ‘got to beat my time’ Nagging sister notices that I am walking to the next lamppost from way back, and shouts out to me like an old fishwife, ‘Keep those arms up, walk faster!

It is so very hard to concentrate on pacing myself so that I can beat my time, plus keep a listen out of nagging sister and still hurdle over the dogs doing! But I feel I am doing really well. This could be the under 15 minuets time it certainly feels good. But I’m wondering if that is just because nagging sister is behind.

On to the stretch of the road where nagging sisters has her last piece of torture for us, the sprint to my house. I try not to squeeze my hand on my phone, I don’t want any accidental pushing of buttons, I really want to see how far sister is behind me. Running to the gate, all the while listening out for nagging sister. Made it, I stop my time and its 15:30:82 That’s quicker than ever, I feel real pleased with myself, and then I hear nagging sister, ‘come on that’s it, as fast as you can!’ I stop the time again and her time is 15:55:53 a whole twenty seconds behind, and then I stop the clock again as nagging sister newest recruit comes in at 16:09:03! Oh did I forget to mention that nagging sister has been recruiting more ‘willing’ victims for the ‘Race for life’. I am so sorry. New recruit came in quicker than I did on my first time out on that stretch of path, and I patted her on her back and sympathised with her after the nagging she had from nagging sister.

But, I was still quicker that nagging sister! ‘I feel good, der, ner ner ner ner ner ner, Like I knew that I would now, der ner ner ner ner ner ner.!’


p.s. the pictures up the top are of nagging sister and new recruit, and me in my trendy new tracksuit, I thought you may all have a laugh and get it over and done with!

Easter Monday

It is still snowing outside, and I have decided to have another day off, as it’s the holidays. The snow is not settling but it is coming down quite heavy. Even a good nagging from the old boy could not get me out of my bed. You know the sort of nagging just like the Bart and Lisa Simpson episode to get Homer to take them to the park or whatever it was.

I am writing this little bit today and I can’t believe what I am thinking. In my head is nagging sisters voice. Not only does she nag me when we go out running or cycling together, or when I am jogging by myself. And even yesterday, she nagged me about not doing any exercise and about my writing for that day! But now, when I am not doing anything and it’s a good decision not to do anything, she is in my head again, naggining me about not writting anything boring! Maybe she should write about nothing and make it sound interesting!

So today’s page is just this. I am having a full two days off keeping fit, and I have not giving up at the first hurdle as the old boy said this morning. In fact he did say ‘I knew it wouldn’t last long’ But let me assure you all who are reading this, and to remind myself too, I have not given up. I shall be back to it tomorrow come snow or shine, or even the dreaded rain!

Did someone mention spring?

Snow, no jogging today!

I'm sure I heard on the radio that only three days ago was the first day of spring! And look at it! Snow, lovely, fluffy, cold, wet snow. Because you know what this means? It means I haven’t developed an obsession about this keep fit after all. I have indeed just a normal healthy interest in being healthier. Because there is no way that I’m going out there today. If there are people out there, in this, then they are just crazy! And its probably just as well really I don't go out, after all Him upstairs decided to have a rest day at least for one day a week, and I have realised its been a while since I have had a break from the keep fit malarkey. I’m including the Thursday shopping day in that too. All that bending and stretching to try new jog pants and sweat shirts on, is a workout in itself.

So I am having a day off! I have no housework to get on with, the old boy is a work and young son is under my feet and in my fridge, freezer in fact, anywhere where is food! (lucky little skinny, fat burning young person, mumble, grumble)

I had weighed myself this morning and to my horror I had put on a pound. I could quite easily give up dieting and exercise like all the other times I have tried before. The Weightwatchers, the counting calories, letting the old boy do all the cooking. It worked for a while, but it never continued. After beating myself up, (I had remembered the extra couple of pints of lager I had on Saturday, and the snickers choccie bar) I told myself, ‘These things will happen’ And I’m sure they will again.

So on Tuesday I am going to weigh myself, and measure all relevant parts of my body and jot them down here. And just keep an eye on those things through this struggle too. I feel as if I am slightly smaller because my jeans are so much roomier than they have been, an extra notch on my belt is being used and I’m sure someone did say to me a few days ago ‘Are you losing weight?’ Which of course bought about a broad smile on my red sweaty face.

Nagging sister has just popped in with my middle daughter. They are off to the pub! Lucky, skinny fit active persons! But before she went nagging sister read this blog before I published it. ‘Why are you going bore us with those recipes’ She said. ‘Because I have nothing else to write about’ I explain to nagging sister. ‘Well why are you not out running, its stopped snowing’ She says. And this coming from her who is about to go off with my middle daughter and nagging sisters daughter for a nice lunch and drinkies! Mutter crumble. Oh how I hate………….Oh I don’t know but there must be something that I hate right now.

So this is it, I am not going to bore you with recipes, this all am going to write. I shall indeed write nothing, well nothing apart from what I have already written. After all this is the holidays, and its Sunday, it is a resting day.

Its Raining!

Oh thank goodness, I heap more thanks to Him above. Nagging sister and I both decided that we do not do any sort of workout in the rain. I hate the rain it makes my hair curl. Thank goodness for GHD’s!

I was thinking to myself this would be a good time to write about my diet, or complete life style change really, but that is not going to happen. Let me tell you why. Its been two weeks and four days since I started this immense struggle of mine to get fitter. Only now does the old boy really start to ‘gently’ persuade me to keep going ‘Now that you started, you don’t want to take any breaks’

I was in no fit state to go out ‘there’ its cold, its windy, its raining! And I was out last night! All very good reasons to not do anything today. Maybe if the old boy and young son do stuff in the garden, then I can throw a few shapes in the kitchen to some good shape throwing music. (Well my guys don’t need GHD’s so they don’t care about getting wet while DIYing)

But that is not the case today. ‘Its stopped raining’ says the old boy looking out of the window ‘You know you will feel pleased with yourself if you go out today’ I grumble to my self, its like having nagging sister living with me, oo shudder the thought. But I did get out of my bed, it does indeed look like the sun is going to come out, so maybe the old boy is right.

Off down the stairs put some tunes on to warm myself up much to my joy the rain comes back. ‘I’m not going in the rain’ I shout out to the old boy ‘I mean it really is coming down, and it looks like snow too’ I protest at him. Surely he would agree with me, and have sympathy for me, after all it is the holidays. No such luck, ‘Its passing, just go out its only 15 minuets and you never know you might even run faster’

All warmed up I check the window to see if it has stopped, darn it, it has! I feel as if I am being tested, maybe the old boy is encouraging me to go out in the rain to see how committed I am at this keep fit lark ‘what if its raining on the day of the ‘Race for Life’ he says to me ‘Well of course I will still do it then, wouldn’t I’ I say defeatingly.

I wait for a lull in the rain, its not too bad now, I can put my hood up, gloves on and just attack this days jog with all that I have, which is not a lot after last nights 4 pints of lager and a packet of quavers in the pub and some chicken bits that we had when we got home.

I tell the old boy to start his stopwatch, because I didn’t want to take mine if it starts to rain again, and I open the door. Its raining again! Its cold, and its not even half past nine on a Saturday morning, during the holidays. What am I doing. I must be completely mad, or maybe now I have developed an obsession! Is that healthy? I’, don’t know. I shout to the old boy, ‘right I’m off then’ and with that I bound out of the door before the sweet voice of sanity changed my mind.

I really am not enjoying this at all, its wet and all I want to do is go back home, I look up to Him upstairs with pleading eyes, ‘Please?’ I just say. Before I get half way to the five posts, (and five posts is half way to turn around lamppost) it has stopped raining. ‘Thank you’ I say, looking heavenwards. I also meet, on the way running in the opposite direction, a fellow jogger. He must do this sort of thing all the time, he has a sports water bottle and bright yellow rain jacket and everything ‘Morning’ he says to me. It looks as if he has been out for ages, he is so wet. ‘Morning’ I call back to him. Now I am feeling proud of myself, I am one of the professional joggers, going out even in the rain. You wait until I tell nagging sister. Oh, nagging sister, I need her here today really, I think I over did the pace again, because I am flagging, and wanting to do some more walking. So I imagine her there with me, her hair going all limp in the rain, and her makeup running down her face, why on earth does she puts makeup on to go jogging I don’t know. If I did that it would just all melt of my face and I will look like Alice cooper who has just done a 4 hour gig in the desert!

I hear the voice in my head, pushing me on to turn around lamppost, ‘Lets run though to the end of the ally bit now, old girl’ I hear the voice telling me, ‘That’s it, now you can see turn around lamppost, run straight on to there. ‘Stuff that’ I said out loud, and I look around to see if any was in ear shot. Well of course they’re not, its been raining, its cold, its nine twenty something in the morning and IT’S THE HOLIDAYS.

Lets just say, that I had to really push myself back on the return journey. I had no idea what the time was, if I had beaten my split time to turnaround lamppost, I was just hoping and praying that I was quicker. I must be, I have been running my socks off because its cold and I want to get home. Again from the corner of the road I decide to sprint the last bit to my house, it feels quicker, I feel good about the time, it must be quicker. I bang on the door for the old boy to stop the stopwatch and crawl round the side to get in the warm. ‘How did I do’ I say to the old boy, please please please. ‘16:03 you’re a bit slower!

How comes, I was so certain, maybe I just can’t physically go any faster than this. Maybe I am not supposed to go any faster than this. Or, I think cunningly, maybe my wet clothes slowed me down! Oh yes, you wait until next time, then you’ll see……

Good Friday?

What a wonderful weekend. No work today, plus another three days off. Give Him upstairs loads of thanks over this weekend!

But, and it’s a huge blooming big BUT, schizophrenia has really kicked in big time! Some one had forgotten to tell the voices in my head, that its ok to rest for a while. You don’t need to try and build Rome in a day and all the lovely cliches that make you not want to do anything. So there I was this morning, the voices waking me up at 7:30! I don’t even get up that early when I’m working. But still, on and on the relentless voices continued, for an hour I was literally arguing with myself about whether I should do ‘something’ today. ‘Get up, go for a run’ says the nasty one, as I affectionally call that particular voice now, ‘No stay where you are, it’s the holidays’ says the little voice that is sweeter than any chocolate Easter egg made. But like a chocolate Easter egg in young sons hands, that voice was gone. Left only with the nagging voice (sounds so much like nagging sister actually) I get out of the nice warm bed and declare to the old boy, ‘I’m off for a run’

I put on my nice, new, trendy jogging suit ready to go down stairs to do my warm ups, when I hear the laughter coming from the old boy. ‘Oh yes’ I thought to myself, as I remembered about the word ‘Athletic’ on my bottom!’ ‘You can add the other word on there too,’ says the old boy. Of course I had to ask which word that was ‘Charlton’ he says laughing.

Warm up done, all in full view of the old boy who had got up for tea, (I’m sure it was just to laugh his socks off as I’m bending and stretching in my new Athletic jogging pants!) I head off on my mile jog. The old boy very helpfully starts his own mobile phone stopwatch, at the same time as I start mine. Probably a very good idea, because the way I was feeling, if anyone else mentioned my bottom then……….. I might just accidentally push the buttons on my phone again.

Trying to remember the pace that nagging sister set on Tuesday I round the corner ready to start that stretch of path. I realised that I had overdone the pace because I was already looking for the first lamppost to walk from! At least there doesn’t seem to be many people about this morning, ‘No, that is because they are all tucked up in bed because it’s a HOLIDAY’ says that sweet little voice in my head. ‘Don’t stop at this lamppost run to the next’ came the nasty nagging, sister like voice. And I did. I reached turn around lamppost quicker than my previous.
I decided not to stop to take a breath, I would do a fast pace walk to the first lamppost on the way home. Pushing myself harder all the time , telling myself off when I walk. If there was a psychiatrist on my run I feel sure that they would have me committed! I will definitely need therapy after this! I’m at the end of that stretch of path now, and remembering what nagging sister said to me about doing a sprint from the corner all the way to my house, I walk to the corner, always at a brisk pace, and then a sprint to the house.

I fell into the kitchen, ‘15:44:23’ I shout triumphantly to the old boy! Well ok, I shoved the phone in the old boys face and mumbled and gasped something incoherent at him. Of course the old boys time was different to mind, but I stopped mine at the gate, he waited until I crawled into the house before he stopped his, a whole 5 seconds after!

I was pleased with my time, if I had the energy I would have done the ‘Rocky’ dance at the top of my stairs, but as usual I was stuck to my leather furniture. ‘When do you start to feel better’ I complained to the old boy. And his reply cut me to the marrow when he said. ‘You don’t actually feel better, you just find yourself being able to do more’ Aaagh, more, more?, I..... just want to sit here for the next three years!

Shopping!

I have decided to invest in another pair of jogging bottoms and a matching sweat top, well a girl has to look her best at all times, even though I look a complete wreck after any sort of exercise! But at least everything will be matching. I decided not to ride to the school today, much to the young girls relief, but in the back of my mind is the idea that I will cycle too the shopping precinct, but it’s still just an idea, suggest, by the way, by the encouraging old boy. Now did he use the subliminal ipod again or did he actually talk to me? I wave good bye to young girl at the school gate and head off…..to the shopping precinct! I had talked myself out of the 3 mile ride, or rather the pains in my bottom and legs had reminded me that it will be a very painful journey, anyway it was raining,,,, ever so slightly but there are drops of rain.

With the idea that I would quickly buy the nice new trendy jog suit and then back home for either a jog or even whack up the sounds on the ipod, I haven’t done that for ages and I like dancing, I walk from nagging sisters house to the shopping precinct. See I’m giving myself extra walking just because I took the car!

‘They are real cheap in Lilywhites,’ my middle daughter had told me, so that is the first place I went to. Even though I want to look good, I’m not making a fashion statement and I don’t want to splash out loads of cash either. There wasn’t anything in there that attracted my attention, ‘I shall try Primarks’ I thought to my self, daughter had told me they are doing jog suits for two quid or something like that, unlike the previous shop, sixteen pounds just for the bottoms! I shouldn’t be such a skin flint really!

I found some jog pants and a similar top, (not quite matching, so don’t know where daughter got hers from) but I thought it’ll do for me, and then on to the changing room to just check, because it’s bound to fit, its my size. ‘Oh no it isn’t!’ says this pantomime voice in my head, when I tried on the articles. It was my size on the label, on the hanger and on the sewn in label of the clothes them selves, but I looked ridiculous. Why don’t they make workout clothes for the larger woman with enough room in the legs so as not to show of the celulite. I could see every contour of my body from the waist down, and that was not a good look for me! And as for the top, it too was tight. Tight around my waist, chest and arms. ‘Maybe I have developed muscles’ I thought to myself. If only!.

This is the time I would normally head for the nearest Burger King or Maccie D’s for their huge burgers chips and an orange juice, (the o.j. is my attempt of dieting) But I resisted, I thought about the reason why I was doing this, not just for me to get fitter, but for my mum, and raising money for Cancer Research UK. ‘I’ll just go back to Lilywhites and pay out the thirty quid on a new jog suit.

As I was heading off in that direction I thought I would just pop into one more cheapo store. And hey bingo, here they were selling jog pants and sweat shirts for eight quid a pop! Well there I was, rifling though all, what I think, are very trendy suits indeed. But do you think I could find the matching top and bottoms in my size. I was there for ages, I find the right size bottoms but no matching top. I find the right size top but no bottoms. In black, in brown, in blue. I was even contemplating getting the bright pink suit! But then I found it, Its grey, it has pink in it, so its still nice and girly, and its my size. I run to the changing rooms with my find to try on the items, hoping that they will fit. Yes, yes, yes, they fit, I didn’t bother checking to see if the backside looks big in it, (because I know it does) and straight out to purchase my prize. Still plenty of time to get home, work out to some tunes, do the housework and write blog.

Well I’m home now, obviously as I’m writing blog. I got my lovely new jog suit out of the bag, I look at it admirably, Oh yes, I shall look the business in this tomorrow! But, (its back again that but) on the ‘butt’ of my jog pants, that I hadn’t realised before (because I never looked at my butt when I tried it on in the shop), in baby pink, is the word, ‘Athletic!

I laughed to my self at the picture in my mind of that word stretched across my bottom. ‘Athletic!’ The only thing athletic about my butt is that you could probably use it for the vaulting events in the Olympics.

Still, it can’t take long to reduce the stretching, right?

It's Transport Day!

This is me, on thebottom, looking rather fetching in my cycle hat, best be safe that sorry I say and the picture on the top is nagging sister, looking bloomin' glamourous!! Best look glamourous than like a nerd is my sisters motto! She even has proper bicycle clips!



Bikes to be exact! Nagging sister and I will ride our bikes, all through the gorgeous green woods on to roads back into woods, and pass the bored, forever eating, sheep.
Sounds good doesn’t it. It sounds so simple, a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours? Already exhausted from the ride up to the school with the forever complaining young girl, I start towards our pre-arranged meeting point. Its cold, I didn’t put my leather jacket on, (Well unless you are riding a motor bike, it doesn’t give the same impact!) and I have just a warm woolly fleece, those worn out jogging bottoms and gloves on.

I arrive at the pre-arranged place, looking as if I had just finished our mega bike ride already, but no nagging sister. I look at my watch, I am ten minutes early. I should have gone home to get some cash first, then we could have stopped off for quick pint of lager half way round! I am starting to feel the cold again now, so I just start to move my legs and arms around, trying not to look like some demented person trying to flag down all the traffic, which seems to have built up. I can’t believe that I have just come off this road, Its really quite scary to think of me riding next to this traffic. But not to think about that now. Fifteen minutes later nagging sister has arrived, by now I don’t care what I look like I am freezing and wanting to get on with the cycle route. I remembered I had bought my camera along, and quickly get a picture of nagging sister, this is the first time I have seen her looking in pain. She does have a huge hill to ride up first off to meet me, no warm up roads first., (I try not to snigger at that, unsuccessfully) ‘I have been here ages’ I tell puffed out nagging sister, she tries to talk to me but instead just smiles. How comes she can still smile when she is puffed out, I just grimace and frown and sweat! Before we set off we decided to take pictures of each other ‘before’ the ride, then we will get one ‘after’ .

Off we go, down the road and on to the country park. The sun is shining, even though it is still freezing out here, and the birds are tweeting all around. Dogs and their owners are all over the place, it really is a pleasant ride! So far. But then! Oh there always has to be a but then, doesn’t there. The path that we need to go on seems to have disappeared under tons of wet, sticky, make you fall of your bike, mud! ‘Just stick to the side of the puddles’ says nagging sister to me, with her big fat wheels on her bike. I on the other hand have very thin wheels, it’s the only thin thing about me! Mind you talking of that, I have lost weight, Yippee,!!! I was **stone and now I am ** stone 10 ½ pounds ( I will let you know at the end of May, my exact weight, but for now, just losing those couple of pounds has put a smile on my face. Anyway I have gone of track. Very apt, that saying, because the track that we were riding on is in fact one huge mud bath. I can imagine getting all mud stuck up in my mud guards, maybe even getting stuck half way through a particularly muddy section. But this is me, the old girl on her bike, and of course I did get stuck half way through the muddy mire. But I didn’t embarrass myself completely, (I didn’t fall off into the mud) I did however have to get off my bike and try and manoeuvre a way through the sticky stuff, with nagging sister laughing at me, in her usual helpful way.

We eventually got to the bit that I was looking forward to, the roads. I like riding on the roads, ok so I don’t like it when the cars are on there too, but at least there is any mud. Here we are looking absolutely glamorous, me with my skid lid on, and jogging bottoms stuffed into my stripy black and white socks, and nagging sister……darn it, she does look glamorous! Why don’t I look like that, I must nag her to get a skid lid too, for safety reasons only of course, you must always ride your bike on the road with your cycle helmet firmly on your head.

Down the lovely tarmac roads, with nagging sister behind asking all the time, when do we go back to the woods. ‘I’m sure its just a little further down this road’ I shout back to her, ‘Its not far’ I can’t really remember it being this far, mind, but still it’s a lovely clean, almost traffic free road, what’s the worry. But come across the public byway we did. ‘Here it is’ I shout to nagging sister, but she already spotted it and was heading in that direction. ‘This is where we saw those dog walkers and got the map’ says nagging sister, the map that I forgot to bring with us. Maybe I should have gone home after all, pick up the map and get money for a lager. Too late now to think of niceties like that.

By now my legs were aching, my hands were freezing, but, the mud on my bike had fallen off. I was not looking forward to going back to the ‘Countryside’ as nagging, sister calls it.

We decide to go a different route to the one that we went before. Neither of us was in any hurry to get anywhere anyway, there is only housework and more housework when we get home, so why not. Off we trundle into the countryside, splashing through mud! Oh how I hate……….mud! I am seriously thinking that I would rather jog the whole of that stretch of path again then go through this. But onwards and…..upwards! Upwards,do woods never go down! Have you ever peddled a road bike, up hill in thick gooey mud? Its awful, its slow, its hard. I don’t like it. Nagging sister is flying off up the gooey slope, with her big fat bike wheels, ‘well at least something is fat about her‘, I mumbled to myself. ‘Which way?’ she says to me. I don’t have a clue, I'd forgotten to bring the map, I remembered my keys, by camera, my hat, my gloves, my empty water bottle! Oh no, not even water to drink. Luckily nagging sister bought some along.

We reach a part of the path where a road runs beside it, quite a busy road. I hope we can go on there. Nagging sister is still leading, and she takes the path that runs parallel to the road. Oh good, we might go on there, I’m thinking to myself. Then I let out a scream, the path is really muddy, there are tree roots and tree stumps all over the place and my bike slips from under me. I managed to stay upright but the scream made nagging sister turn around and then promptly fall off her bike. Now it was my turn to ‘pee my pants’ Oh how happy I felt right then. Did I rush off my bike to help nagging sister as she struggled to get up from under her bike, no, I just sat astride mine and laughed.

We did ride on to the road eventually, but it wasn’t where we thought we were. In fact we had no idea where we were. ‘Lets just turn left and see where we end up’ Says sister in her throw away comments. It does seem the right decision, but I’m not telling her that. We see some workman digging up the road, nagging sister, who I might add doesn’t seem to have any mud on her, unlike me, smiles broadly at these guys and asks them where we were. One chap did say France, but I tended to think that maybe we didn’t go that far, but in fact we had ridden to Chislehurst! I was impressed with myself.

We rode out bikes, always turning left, and we came across a pub, oh how I wished I had gone home first, I could smell the beer from here. Turning left and riding on, and we come across the ‘countryside again. ‘I know where we are’ says know it all nagging sister. ‘Yup we just need to ride down here, and then down there, and that is where you fell of your bike’ Do I tell her that she too fell off, hmm? No I will save that for another day.

And indeed that is where we were. Know it all nagging sister, who has not one bit of mud on her, and probably not even on her bike, was right.

We rode all the way back to our pre-arranged meeting point, where I unfortunately (on purpose) forgot to get the camera out for the ‘after’ bike ride shot…….

A push my self harder day!

I really do want to push myself harder today, especially after nagging sister jogging the whole entire mile with out any walking. I must do better, I must do better. The voice in my head is encouraging me to do better, push harder.

With no little fella still to take to nursery me and young girl can ride our bikes to her school. Young girl does find it difficult to get up that hill and complains and creates all the way to the top! But I push her, verbally of course, well I have had training on how to encourage people to do their best, (thinking of sister, mutter, grumble, grinding teeth) and we make it to the school where I dutifully wave her off to her class and I can go back home. The way back home is easy as its all down hill! I like going down hill.

Sister arrives at my house for our jog down that stretch of path ten minutes after I get back from the school run. ‘Why you not in your joggers and stuff, come on’ she says in the nag nag nag voice of hers. ‘Yes I am coming’ I tell her, ‘I just needed to find my other glove as my hands were cold from the bike ride this morning’

The old boy was still here, and he was encouraging me to push myself harder too. So not only did I have the voice in my head, I had nagging sister and encouraging old boy telling me to push myself ‘Just think, in three months time you’ll have that down to under ten minutes’ he says, encouragingly (I’m sure??) Earlier in the morning I had said to him that I can’t wait for the 1st June to arrive the I can stop all this training malarkey. The old boy said, ‘No, you can’t stop there you got to keep it going, there is always next years one!. Next year!. I can’t think that far a head.

Nagging sister and I are in the kitchen doing our warm ups, and its funny how all those video tapes, CD’s or even the classes you used to do back in the old days, pop up in your mind. ‘I used to do this stretch to Rosemary Conley’s tape’ I said to nagging sister, ‘Oh yes I used to do this with the personal trainer’ says nagging sister, ‘He used to push me real hard’ How comes she got a personal trainer and I got a Video tape that I could switch off if Rosemary nagged to much, and I bet her personal trainer had a fit body, and was pleasant to look at, mutter, grumble, moan.

The warm ups done, we head for the door, with my stopwatch at the ready, (I must get a proper one soon), ‘Ok’ says nagging sister, ‘We are going to jog the whole way, just a slow jog, not a sprint, but we are going to do it, ok’ she says to me. I’m sure she is daring me. ‘Yeah ok’ I says, trying not to sound as if I am about to climb Everest in a pair of hot pants vest top, and only a piece of string for safety. The pace wasn’t as bad as I thought, it was a nice pace, I could talk to nagging sister, about how pleasant the weather is today, ‘There is no need to sprint up to turn around lamppost’ she says, knowingly. (It must have been that personal trainer that said things like that to her) ‘Just a nice steady plod along, as long as the heart rate is going that’s good. Up to that stretch of path, still jogging, still chatting to nagging sister. On the path two wet big dogs make a bee line for me and nagging sister. Tails wagging, wet noses at the ready, (you and I know where dogs put their wet noses, Eh, eh? say no more) The are wanting to be petted. I slow down, in fact I walk passed dogs, (any excuses to walk really) well, you can never tell with dogs just which way they will go. ‘Morning’ I say to the dog owners, quickly glancing to see if they had a ‘poop bag’ with them. Those dogs were not the ones who left the huge soft smelly hurdle of a few days ago.

I jogged further than I have jogged before, but I look at the time, ‘My way is quicker’ I tell nagging sister, ‘Yes but you walk some of the way, and your heart rate slows down, this way it stays constant and so its better’ Who told her that, is that true, I have no idea. I have never been fit ever in my life,’ were the thoughts going through my mind. As you probably can guess, by now, we are well passed half way to turn around lamppost, I am feeling it. We pass some work men and I feel that I need to jog pass the guys and try to look as if I am enjoying my self ’Morning’ I say to them, in almost a non puffed out voice, and I even give them a thumbs up. As soon as we pass them I jog on just until the next lamppost and I walk, glad that I passed the men jogging. I am out of breath and my legs feel heavy and nagging sister doesn’t even look as she has broke into a sweat yet! I’m sure I remember the old boy saying there is no need to kill yourself, just do your own thing, so I feel justified in walking,… briskly…..staring at the back of nagging sisters head! How comes she is the skinny one! Mutter, grumble.

‘Just a quick rest at turn around lamppost then we’re off again’ She says. Was she breathing heavily, even ever so slightly heavily, I can’t tell. I am waving my stopwatch at her and saying ‘My way I would have been here sooner!’ But still she is unfazed by that, she says that the heart rate thing is what is good for you. Hmm.

‘Bye bye turn around lamppost, see you Thursday.’ the voice in my head says, as we headed off on the homeward jog. Nagging sister, pushing me all the time, whose bloomin idea to invite her here with me, oh how I hate…….being nice. ‘Look’ says nagging sister, ‘there’s those men we passed on the way up, I want you to pass them on the way back’ What is this woman, is she some sort of sadistic thorn in my side, (I say that because now I have got a stitch, I know I wouldn’t have had that had I did my own thing) ‘Come on, you can do it, get those arms up it does help’ If I could get my hands up I would strangle…..but she’s is right, darn it. Those men look so far away, I’m sure they are almost at the end of that stretch of path. I feel sure there is no way on earth that I will catch up to them, they are two tiny dots of yellow on the horizon. ‘I can’t do’ I cry out in pain ‘Yes you can, come on keep jogging, I’ll go a bit slower for you’ she says patronisingly. But I did as the dutiful fat, wanna be fit sister does, and I jog on, I almost cry out when we get to the two men, ‘Ok’ says nagging sister lightly to the men, and even manages a broad smile, me on the other hand, just look at them helplessly, and grunt something their way and almost raise a thumb, but didn’t quite manage it. I jog on to the next lamppost with the sound of the men shouting encouraging words, (Well I hope that is what they are doing) as I reach the road. ‘We’ll walk up to the corner and then a fast sprint to your gate’ says nagging sister,
' A fast what!’ is what I thought I said to her, but it came out as ‘aaah blur blubbb ohee haaa’ But I think I did nod my agreement which pleased nagging sister. All too soon the corner of the road came, and before I knew it, I heard ‘Ok go!’ Sprinting down the road, looking at my house, which seems to move further away from me rather than get nearer, ‘Are you sprinting, keep it going, come on, you can do it’ And I virtually did two yards from my door I did slow down, but I’m pleased that I did it. I look at my stopwatch, it must be some sort of Olympic record now, 16:16:27!!! Is that it, is that it?, I slump on the sofa, almost melting into leather, I could have cried. Oh how I hate…………stop watches.

The Blarney Stone!

Monday, 17th March 2008 The Blarney stone!

I know its St. Patrick’s day, and no, I haven’t kissed the blarney stone, so what I am telling is exactly what happened.

Yesterday, I did everything I usually do on my Sundays, I got up, had my tea and yogurt (I have realised that I have not spoken about my diet so far, I shall do that at some point) and went off to church with my guitar! Ok, so I took the car, but it was raining and I didn’t want to get my guitar bag all wet and stuff, besides, I will do some training when I get back from church.

Suitably refreshed, spiritually and physically, (I had another cup of tea after the morning service) I was all set to think about doing some dancing and prancing around in my kitchen to my itunes, when I received a phone call from my second cousin once removed and replaced three times, or whatever the relationship is there, that she and the other half are in the area and ‘is it ok to pop in for tea!’ ‘Yes, no problem’ I say looking around at the untidy house! ‘See you both soon’ So now I am running around like a blue assed fly tidying up, and empting the dishwasher to re fill with last nights bits! Well they came, and I looked calm and unflustered even though they were on my doorstep within fifteen minutes after calling!, and the house? , well the down stairs looked pretty good, even if I do say so myself. Not too pristine clean that it makes you feel uncomfortable and not to untidy to make you think, ‘that lazy bloomin’ mare’
Anyway, the relatives stayed for a least three or so hours, so no bumping and grinding to any sort of music while I do housework. But there was this feeling inside of me of guilt. Yes, that’s right, guilt. I felt guilty that I hadn’t done any sort of exercise all day, maybe I should get up an hour earlier, before church, and do my run then. Ah there it goes, the guilty feeling disappeared! With that only one thought, me getting up early! The whole guilt thing left me. And so, as I was saying good by to the outlaws on the doorstep, the old boy came home from work! ‘Well no chance of a run now’ I won’t even mention the bump and grind bit, you know how men think. I thought to my self. ‘Gotta get the ole boy his dinner’ So that was Sunday, a nice day, a no heart racing, head throbbing, music pounding legs aching, sweat inducing Sunday, Just the way it should be.

Monday how ever is a different day. I had already pre-planned to take young girl to school on our bikes this morning, as I haven’t got the little fella to take to the nursery. I set off after doing my warm ups in the kitchen and I felt ok. Well look at me, I am cycling to school, and I’m not hurting as much as I usually do, then again I haven’t gone up the hills yet. I pick up the young girl, she gives me a very peculiar look because of my cycle helmet, (And with my track record for falling off bikes, it is probably a wise thing to wear) we set off for the one mile journey to her school. We are not going a breakneck speed and I am really just gently cycling along when I take a quick glance at young girl, she is puffing and panting!! What is this, I think to myself, a young fit healthy girl, who only last year, probably would have beaten me to the end of the path, is struggling slightly. Or maybe its because she has smaller wheels and has to peddle more than me, if you’re into maths, or science, or what ever it is that you need do to calculate the amount of times one has to peddle a smaller wheel bike compared to a larger wheel bike, then again I expect that is what you will be thinking right about now. But not me, I am feeling quite proud of my self as I stop and walk with young girl. ’You ok’ I ask, and then offer to take her school bag of her shoulders, because she says its slowing her down! Hmmm I wonder if that is the reason, but I doubt it, I think to myself smugly. When we get to the point were it’s a huge hill to climb, I am all prepared to keep up with this young girl on her small wheel bike and ride along right beside her. I start up the hill and I am thinking to myself ’I am not going to make it,’ I am going to have to ask young girl to get off her bike so that we can push our push bikes up the hill. How disappointed I feel right now, until that is, young girl says to me, ’I can’t ride up hills, I am going to have to get off and push’ Oh joy of joys, I think, ’Yeah, that’s no problem’ I say to young girl, all the while, secretly thanking Him upstairs.

It was an uneventful ride to the school and I got back home fairly quickly. Well that’s the exercise done for today, now time to finish housework, (because it didn’t get finished yesterday with the outlaws here) and then maybe get the Fender out. No, no, no, no, no! That is not possible, not when you have a nagging, fit, active, nagging (did I already say that) sister telling you to ‘Do the mile’ Nag, nag, nag! ‘I need to take my car to the garage then I’m jogging all the way home’ Says nagging sister. Well that can’t be far, I’m thinking to myself. ‘So how far is the garage’ I asked trying not to sound too interested. ‘I don’t know’ she says. Then I suggested to put the mile-ometer thingy on the car when she takes it to the garage. I say goodbye to nagging sister and go and get my training clothes on, by now they are looking worn, I even have a tear in the legs so I look like a complete professional, who does loads of training and wears out jogging bottoms! I do my warm ups and then straight out to do that stretch of path! Again uneventful journey to turn around lamppost. Check time, and it was 7:27:93 So, it was faster than last time, well I presumed it was, but I can’t really say as I couldn’t see properly last time. ‘You on time’ I heard a voice from the side of me. I look over to my right and there was a passer by ‘you on time’ she says again after I remove my ipod from my ears. ‘Yes, I’m a little bit quicker as well I think’ I said back to her, then I remembered to just push the button to record the time I stopped then I can restart it again after my little chat. I explained to the friendly passer by about why am looking like I have just come out of the Lambert and Butler factory after I have smoked the whole days quota of cigarettes. ‘Good luck’ She says after me, as I go back down the path, with me feeling as if I have just stolen a few precious moments off of nagging sister to recuperate. On wards down the path, always hurdling over messy dog owners dogs doings,(I am blaming the dog owners now, because they could at least teach their dog to poop in the verges at the very least). I reach the end of the path all set to get to my house on the road. ‘What do you look like’ I hear a voice call from a car. My friend was looking at me and chuckling at my puffy, crimson red throbbing wet face. ‘What’s all this in aid of ? she says. Again I push the button to stop the timer, anything for a few precious seconds, and explain to her the reason I am looking a complete mess. ‘Good for you’ She says, ‘Keep it up’ And with that I am off again, trying to jog the whole way back now to my house. All the time knowing sister is going to be jogging back from the garage, I feel sure that it is a mile, I am just hoping its not. Grind teeth!!!!! I look at my stopwatch and to my horror I have used up all the spaces to record split times and now I have stopped the timing altogether. But this time I feel sure that I have beaten my previous as I thunder on towards my house, angry at myself for doing that again with the stopwatch, I must invest in a proper stopwatch.

Back at the house, I quickly unlock the door and make straight for the tap. Gulp down a glass of water and collapse on the sofa, sticking slightly to the leather. Thank goodness I went with the leather can you imagine the state of it in a few months time, yuck! There I sat, I should get up and do the warm downs. But I sat, and I sat. ‘Now!’ I heard sisters nagging voice inside my head ‘Get up now and stretch out the muscles!’ I know I should, and reluctantly I surrender to the voice and get up and stretch out my muscles before making myself a nice cuppa.

Sister rings me ‘it’s a mile from the garage to mine’ she says ‘And I jogged all the way home, no stopping , no walking, just jogging’ Oh how I hate……………….talking!!!!

Saturday, a day off?

It would be nice to have a day off. A day off what, I don’t know. I’m still doing the jogging, all by myself today, I might add, and doing the housework and washing. But it was good when the old boy suggest we go look for paving slabs for the patio. Before that though he had me humping in five six foot fence panels but that is not what I am writing about. I have eleven weeks or there abouts to get fit for a run of three miles. Again, this morning, the voice in my head saying, ‘You’re coming to the tip with me this morning, son’. Hang on, that’s not the voice telling me to get out of bed. Where is my motivator. Have I killed the voice with beer and takeaway? I need that voice, oh my word, please don’t let my training be just down to me. I would stay in this bed if it was down to just me. But there it was, or rather wasn’t. No nagging imaginary voice getting me out of bed, and no son to take the p*** ..erm…. mickey out of me as I try to jog this blooming, supposedly, one mile. There is no other alternative, I, me, the old girl, am going to have to drag my big fat ask no questions backside out of this bed. This is no easy thing, I may tell you, as you have probably gathered, last night was Friday night! Its my Friday night, where me and the old boy go and have a few beverages of the alcoholic type, in a nice quiet boozer somewhere. I feel sluggish, I feel fat and I feel like I don’t want to get out of my nice warm bed. Hang on though, I didn’t do my usual drinking. Was there a new imaginary voice controlling my body instead last night. Did the imaginary new voice in my head shake my head ‘no’ instead of nodding ‘yes’ when I was offered another drink. Ha ha! I’ve cracked it. My body is a temple! I will not put poison into it. Two pints is enough for anybody. No, that was not the problem. Only two pints of lager, surely that can’t keep me in my nice warm comfortable bed. Last night can’t possible be the reason why I am feeling like a whale out of water.

Oh how wrong I was. The only reason my head was shaking no to a beer last night is because it was nodding yes to a Thai red chicken curry. At ten forty five at night that is not a good thing!

So regrettably I must say, that yes, I did temporary quieten my little voice in my head with the usual after beer hunger. I indeed feel yuck when I woke this morning, even though it was not a ‘beer yuck’

I eventually dragged my bloated body out of the bed, put on my trackies and shrunken hoody and dutifully ran down the stairs to start my warm ups. The old boy was still there, with young son waiting to go to the tip. ‘I gather you are not coming son’ I says to young son. And he explained that he wouldn’t have come any way as he and his mates would be doing the mile any way. ‘Why don’t I join you and your mates’ I said enthusiastically to young son. ‘Eh, no you’re alright mum, we are going straight passed there any way, and going to McDonalds!’ Well I took that as ‘Don’t you even think about it mum!’

So there I was, no voice in my head to nag me to get going, no son to try and impress with my new found lease of life, and no ringing up sister, because at that time of the morning, I would get a very nasty response, I start my warm ups. The old boy is watching, young son is watching. And with his encouraging words of ’Well I’ll tell you know, I can walk that stretch of path in 15 minutes!’ ’Don’t watch me warm up’ is all I can say to that, what I should have said was, ’well come on then and prove it!’ But feeling the way I did, I knew I would have had no chance even it he had said he could do it in twenty minutes.

Talking of time, and I am not going to describe the jog to the turn around lamppost and back again, just read the above sections for that!, I had my stopwatch going. Now here’s the thing, my stopwatch is actually my mobile, which has a stopwatch function, I had the stopwatch going, I reached turnaround lamppost, and again obviously couldn’t read it due to enormous amounts of sweat, but it was seven something, and I start on the way back. I was cream crackered on the way back. I looked at my stopwatch to check the time, twelve minutes and something. I was at least five minutes from home, I really need to push myself. Still feeling like a fat walrus like thing, thundering down the path I kept on going, another quick glance at my stopwatch. NO! I can’t believe it. In my total concentration to make it home and beat my previous I had accidentally pushed the reset button as a squeezed my phone! I had no idea as to when I did that, It could have been when I looked at it last time. But from that moment on I just lost interest. ‘What was the point, if you don’t know how you are doing’ said this new voice. And I’m afraid from then I just sort of stumbled home, not knowing how I did or even if I was bothered. ‘Oh well there is always tomorrow!’ Ah there is my little motivating voice, just crawling out from all those noodles and chicken curry and rice!

Friday is always the hardest.

What happened to Thursday,? I suppose I better tell you. Well Thursday is an awkward day, and this is not more excuses. This is a real reason. The little fella I look after doesn’t go to nursery at all, so its just me and him all day long until the school run. Why don’t I take him out with me? Well, because, its probably cold. Or he may even show me up by running the whole mile long without stopping!. And I know that would kill me. But I didn’t just sit back on my diminishing fat backside, No I stuck the ipod on loud and danced about like a raver on liquid ecstasy! The little fella looks at me a bit strange but then starts to nod his head in time to the music. Anyway this is just the warm ups that he joins me in. Then I chase the little fella upstairs for his nap. Back down the stairs, and the itunes are on and still playing. Oh yes. This is it, head banging, hips swaying, and knees bending, which is quite difficult to do to Clanad. Who put that on there? A quick change to some upbeat head banging music and I’m away. Forty minutes, well that’s how long the ‘winks’ take right? Forty minutes dancing, Oh my word. Do I look like this when I’m out night clubbing with the girls. The sweat again pouring from me, But its doing good. I don’t look like this when I’m out clubbing, do I.? This vision of me pops in my head now. Me, all dolled up, makeup, twinkly sparkly top, and the red, crimson wet face!!! Oh my word. Hopefully everyone is as drunk as me I wouldn’t have noticed that. Note to self, try not to dance so vigourously while out night clubbing with girls.

So that brings us to today. And I am feeling good! Yeah baby. Good! I must have shaved at least a minute of my time! 15:47:56 Seconds. Well I say a minute because the last time was 16 something and now its 15 something, I can’t do the maths but I’m sure you all can. But doesn’t it look good when you say it was 16 something and now its 15 something. Oh yeah, pat on the back for the old girl.

Why Friday is always the hardest? Its because I am thinking about my evening out tonight. When I can relax with the old boy in a nice little public house, and enjoy a glass or two of the amber nectar. The thoughts that are in my head today are, ‘Well its Friday, even if you go out jogging then you are going to ruin it tonight with the beer’ Oh how I wish I could listen to that little voice saying ‘don’t bother going today’ but no! The other voice in my head is getting louder. 'Go for the jog, get that time down.' Ok time to phone sister, she is always a good motivator. ‘I’m not coming today’ says sister,’ I’m going shopping’ Shopping! I have only eleven weeks and two days left and she wants to go and buy food for her kids!! I so need a good nagging right now. And that is preciously what sister did. ‘You go, and just think that I am next to you nagging you to go on’

Out on the street, after my vigorous warm up, never neglect that! And start the stopwatch. Running, to the end of the road, and turn the corner. Oh my word, I haven’t stopped yet. I’m out of breath, but I can carry on. Get to the first lamppost on that stretch of path. I did it! Just walk now then start running again. And that’s what I did. I walked to the next lamppost and ran past one until the next lamppost! Oh yes, this chick is now flying. All the way walking one lamppost and running two. And hurdling! ‘Hurdling’ I hear you say ‘What are you on girl?’ Hurdling. There must be some huge dog out there and the owner takes it for a walk and lets it dump its load bang smack in the middle of the path. I mean it’s worse than the fly tippers. Maybe the owner had gone to pick up the dumper truck to collect the offending hurdle. But my word. It was huge!
Any way I digress. Jogging now to the end of that stretch of path, and just for an incentive for myself, I look at my stopwatch when I get to the turn around lamppost.

7 minutes and something, (I couldn’t quite read it with the sweat pouring into my eyes). Well that’s bloody marvellous I thought to myself, ‘If I can do the same on the way back it should be lightening speed compared to when I first did it. I was well pleased with my self, but then I thought about the jogging back. Then the voices began again. ‘Come on old girl just walk to the first lamppost and then jog’ Did the voices stop there, No. Sisters voice popped into my head, ‘Don’t walk that bit, run, keep that heart rate up’ She just has to argued with me, even in my own mind! And that is how it was all the way home, having this imaginary argument with myself and my sister, in my head!! I think I need help

I can’t actually remember any information about hearing voices when one starts to keep fit. I can’t remember anything in leaflets, weight watchers meetings, or even doctors surgerys that suggest you become a schizophrenic when you start to keep fit. Maybe I will need some sort of counselling after my effort in June

Non productive day?

Well I say its a non productive day, But that is only because I haven't done any exercise. I mean, I have not even walked the kids to school. Tut Tut, But I have an excuse. Oh No, I hear you all saying, 'You have given up already' But its true. I had to have an official visit from official people, just so that they can tell me that its ok for me to carry on working! Honestly!

I did think about just breaking out the 'Led' and get the heart rate pounding, and the face all glowing red and sweaty, but, unfortunately that is as far as I got. But tomorrow is another day, and I will be back to my hectic training schedule. Its only eleven weeks and four days to RFLD (Race for Live Day). Oh my word! I am wondering if maybe I should do something! But its quite late in the evening now, and its dark outside, and there are people in the house who do not want to be disturbed (and believe me they would be disturbed it the saw me bouncing and rocking about to the 'Led Zeplin') Excuses, excuses, reasons and reasonable reasons. Tomorrow, I will exercise tomorrow, now I need to rest my fingers, I feel as if I have overworked them.

First week

Who knows how difficult it is to even think about starting to get fit. When you have reached my age, and that is passed forty, then you start to wonder if it is even the most dangerous thought that has ever popped into your head. After all, running after kids and pushing the vacuum around is hardly exercise, and now that I have wooden floors even that little bit has been taken away. But there it is, this thought lingering in my mind. Not only that but then someone suggests that I do a 'fun run' for charity. A fun run?! I ask myself, what on earth is fun about running. Of course I make all the excuses under the sun, like why that is probably not the most positive activity for me to do at this time in my life. But does that stop the said someone from giving me the emotional blackmail, 'Oh, but we are going to have mums picture on the tee shirts, and its for Cancer Research UK.'

Well as you can imagine, as those of us who have lost loved ones, relatives, friends, work colleagues though cancer, I am sure that most of you who are reading this will know some one, I just had to agree. And as this is the first proper bit of exercise that I have ever done, probably since leaving school, I need to write this journal to keep my mind focused and on the reason why I am doing this. I just said 'ok, put my name down, I'm joining in'

So this is me, first week of jogging, cycling and dancing about in my kitchen like a lunatic in order to get fit for the Race For Life run, that is taking place in London on 1 June 2008. Wish me luck everyone.

First week - Hmmm, well, let me assure you, it is hell. The muscles that you thought had disappeared and left behind only those fatty deposits on your legs, ........well, they are still there!!!!! And they are crying out in pain!!!!! What on earth have I done, I ask myself, well I shall tell you, I jogged and walked for only 35 mins, and that is with the warm ups and the warm downs, (Which let me tell you is a MUST do, I will explain later on!) My Sister is just jogging along nicely and she says that I should tell her when I need to rest. Well its freezing cold, I feel like a blimp in my trackie bottoms and my shrunken hoody, and I just wanted to say 'Now! I have had enough now' But no, I carry on, walking at first as my sister suggests, 'Get the old heart pumping slowly at first then build up to it' she says knowingly. I start into the jog, oh my word, after only 30 seconds (it seems so much longer) I want to stop, Can I really be this unfit. It seems so. After years of neglect and self abuse, i.e. beer, ciggies and pie and mash! I really am completely out of shape! But I struggled on, telling sister after every 30 seconds I need to walk (or crawl) now, but we managed the route through the nature park. I manged it through the nature park. Don't know how far we jogged for, more than likely only half a kilometre! I got back to the car, ready to drive home and have a well earned cuppa, that is until sister says, 'Come on we need to stretch those muscles out first!

The next day my sister and I decided to do the bike run thing. Oh boy, I'm looking forward to this, surely it must be so much easier than the jogging thing, After all, its transport, right?! People, let me tell you, if you have a bike with the comfort fit saddle........they lie.!!! Its is not a comfort fit saddle, an armchair would be a saddle! But there you, go we rode our bikes...........for two hours we rode our bikes. We carried our bikes over THREE FOOTBRIDGES that went over the rail lines. We went thought beautiful woods, passed ploughed fields and saw sheep. My sister stopped and took photos of the grazing, bored looking sheep. 'All this time of living in Bromley' she says 'I can't believe that this is on my doorstep' she continued, with not even a drop of sweat from her brow. As you can probably guess, by sister is fitter than me, she is skinnier than me and she is more active than me (Three badminton clubs a week!!) she is also 'helping' me to get in shape! But right now, I'm not quite sure of what shape that is. I, on the other hand, was struggling to keep up right on my bike, and to try and look at least slightly interested in the smelly, bored sheep. I never quite realised until that point, that I had developed a slight rivalry between me and my sister.

So there we were, half way around our route, although at the time I did not realise that it would be a two hour long jaunt off the beaten track and into the 'countryside' when we realised that we still had to go back the same way! Which means carrying those darn bikes over those three humongous bridges!, or find an alternative route home.

We stopped some very friendly dog walkers who gave us directions, who in turned stopped other dog walkers, who gave us different directions and while the dogs were 'all getting to know each other' in their own doggy way, there were quite a few people directing us this way and that way, some suggested going up hill, (shudder) some suggested down hill (oh please, lets go that way). We also acquired a route map from one of these friendly dog walkers and finally went on our way, UP HILL! 'Because' as darling sister said 'Its only up this bit and then its all down hill after that' Oh how I hate................going up hill.

There we were at the top of the last hill, where after that, 'its all down hill,' she says and she flies off down the path at what seemed to me like break neck speed! Oh my word, oh my word, oh my word, I am going down this path with tree roots all over it, and all I can see is what I can only describe as natures steps, so technically we shouldn't be free wheeling down there at all! We should be walking, with our bikes by our sides down the steps! I have the breaks firmly applied, squeaking my way down the hill, when all of a sudden I squeeze the breaks hard, to come to an emergency halt. There, in front of me, is a huge 'step' and there is no way I was going down there, not with my bottom on the saddle of hell and the way it feels is now bruised and sore, (did I mention that they lied about the comfort seat) I let out a scream and dear lovely sis turns to to watch me slowly fall sideways into the prickles. Does she come running to my aid? Oh no, she just laughs out loud that she is about to 'pee her pants!

Well as you can see, we managed to get home after what seemed to me like forever and I even manged to pick the child up from his nursery school on time, albeit, with a pained look on my face.

For the next day, I couldn't do any exercise. My excuse? I was waiting for a man to tell me about cavity wall filling! Honest! He was late, I didn't do any dancing about in the kitchen to my songs on the ipod. Well, I just could face the man with a puffy red glowing sweaty face now, could I.

The following day, I just went for a jog by myself! 'Its a mile from here to Princess Plain and back' says hubby, supportingly (is there such a word?). 'Try that, you should do that in 10 mins!' Ten minutes! I don't think so. I thought with my new found fitness level, I could probably do a reasonable time. I did all the warm up exercises that everyone always tells you to do, (I haven't forgotten that I need to tell you about those warm up exercises) and I plodded off on my one mile jog. Oh my word, Only to the end of the road (again about 30 seconds into the jog) and the breath in my body has escaped, yet again! But here I am, by myself, no one to push me along except me! 'Come on, old girl, just to the lamppost and then walk' So that is how jog that mile. I jog to the lamppost and walk to the next, but all the while, urging myself to jog on to the next one first, which occasionally I did. Impressed? Well I was was. 'Come on, the next lamppost then walk, mind the dog sh..... doings!' Ignore the golfers, they are not looking at you, then you can walk to the next one' and so on.

All the way there and back again, 17:28:95 seconds! Oh yes, this girls is looking good. 'Well that's not bad, 'But I could walk that in 20 mins' says ALL who I brag to. Shall I give up now? Oh my word. Darn it, NO!, I am going to be wearing a picture of my mum on my tee shirt as I jog 5k in London.

The next day was a Saturday. A day where I like to rest in bed, have tea bought up to me, kick the old man out of my king sized bed so that I can stretch and lay all over my it. But oh no. Do you know, people, that when I set this goal for myself, I developed this little voice in my head, TELLING me to get out of bed and do the mile jog!!! Where on earth did that come from? Who is talking to me, did hubby put a subliminal ipod recording in my ears to make me get out of bed? No, it was my conscious, it was me telling me to get out of bed.

So I get up, run down the stairs, and young son is in the kitchen just about to cook himself some bacon. Hmmm, bacon. drool drool........ Oops sorry, had a Homer moment there, just let me wipe up the drool from the key board ahfafhahka;'gh[agihgfgjghhfhjhgghf There.

'Do you want to come for a run' I says to young son, 'keep your old mum company' 'Er yeah go on then, it'll be a laugh' he says, putting on his trainers. So before he change his mind I do a quick 30 second stretch of the muscles and out for a jog with young son.

Everything is the same as the last jog, can't make it to the end of the road, forcing myself to get each lamppost and beyond, avoid the dogs doings, (why can't they just make their dogs go on the grass verge at least) and young son saying, 'Cor is that it, when I'm at school they make us run around the entire school, three times, while pulling the headmaster and his friends in a caravan while they have tea!' Oh yes, I could have throttled him, but it was good that he wanted to go out and possibly be seen with his mum, jogging. He wants to make it every week. What a little trooper. By the time I get back, same as usual, face, a bright bright crimson red throbbing thing on top of my shoulders, with sweat pouring out of every pore, I collapse on the sofa and demand tea! 'Let me just rest awhile dear, before we go for a walk by the seaside' And here is the bit that I have been telling you about. After my tea I tried to walk, OH MY WORD! Where did that pain come from, its killing me? Oh the pain, my legs feel like huge tree trunks and they hurt, every time I move. 'You didn't warm up properly' says young son! 'I know that NOW', I said, through gritted teeth.

It is so important to do those warm up exercises even if it means not dragging young son out to jog with you! (At least you might still love them when you get back from your jog alone) Now hubby wants to go for his walk, by the seaside. Oh please tell me that there is some sort of curfew going on, and that we are not allowed to leave our house for the next two years. 'Ok!' I shout to hubby, 'I shall just have a quick shower and be right with you.' I climb the stairs to my bathroom. Oh how those stairs taunted me, 'Do you remember the stairs over the rail lines' I felt my stairs were saying to me 'well you'll wish you were there right now if you know what I have in store for you' I felt they were saying to me. They kept on taunting. Each step felt like a mountain, I raised my foot to climb the next step and for some reason it had grown to three feet high. 'Won't be long' I shouted to hubby as I looked up at rest of my stairs, visibly growing towards the ceiling!

Eventually all cleaned and feeling almost human again, desperately trying to ignore my aching limbs we were on our way to the sea side for a 'lovely' walk by the sea. We got there, I can't even remember where we first got out of the car, but my legs, I'm sure were left in the shower back home, and I have those tree trunks causing me pain again, hanging from my hips. 'Only a short walk here, just to stretch our legs then we're off to Samphire hoe' I can't remember if I let out a whimper or not, but hubby said, 'ahhh you'll be alright'

The next few hours went by in a blur, with me just trying to concentrate on not walking like the guy who had the 'Edgar suit on' in the Men in Black film. I talk to sister on the phone, and she tells me that she cycled her way to her badminton group (oh I hope she didn't hear me grind my teeth) I congratulate her, and tell her well done, good for you. And then she tells me, 'My bottoms is so sore, it really is aching!' Mustn't laugh at her, (he he he he he) must stop tittering (he he he) 'I think we shall give the bikes a rest for a week, just to let the aching go away' she says.

So here we are virtually up to date, did jog again yesterday and the day before that, oh by the way, the jog with young son, I again sliced off a few precious seconds! Does the jogging ever get any easier! Someone tell me, will I always feel out of breath when I reach the end of the road here? I need to know. Each time I do the jog, its just a couple of seconds faster, but at least its going in the right direction.

Today which is Tuesday 11th March Sister is joining me today in the mile jog. Do we do the warm ups, oh yes, warm up for ages, I don't think I ever want to feel like Saturday again. Warm ups and more warm ups, and then warm downs when we get back. So I explain to sister how I do my mile jog. To the lamppost and then walk, and then jog and maybe even jog to the next, I explained to her. Sister is impressed with that idea, secretly I know she can't jog the whole 1 mile. But here we are, jogging and again sister with the nagging, 'come on' get those hands up, you can jog to the next lamppost' How I hate.......those lampposts. But again, I survived, and shaved another couple of seconds of my time 'Is that all,' sister says 'Is that all, I should have pushed you harder' Oh how I want to push her right now. So she is off now to her other badminton class, while I'm here, sweating and throbbing like a big bowl of jelly, thinking about the pie and mash that she will bring home later. Hmmmmmmm another Hommer moment.